There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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