Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
