rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
