I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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