Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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