we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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