How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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