I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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