Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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