I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
