I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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