don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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