Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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