Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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