he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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