I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
