I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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