I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Please, let me fuck your mom
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
