Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize