Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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