I'm sorry my penis didn't work
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize