I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
