I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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