Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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