my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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