Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
