The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
