Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize