So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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