I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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