sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
