that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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