If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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