you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
