Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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