we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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