i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize