Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
