i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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