i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
