Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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