why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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