my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
