is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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