I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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