she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
