I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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