where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
