am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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