Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
