1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
