I am in a vortex of obligation.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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