I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
