you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
