saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
